Feb. 28, 2009 - 11:10 p.m.
I'd do almost anything to be able to move out of this place and get my own life - my own place. But of course, given the recent events which have taken place and keeping in mind the fact that I am currently jobless, that is never going to happen. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad that I am finally able to own my own horse, (that's not entirely true, sometimes I think this is the worst possible time for me to have a horse and I am probably right about that...) but if I had it to do over again I would have opted to board her somewhere else rather than having built a corral here because now if I ever am in a position to move out and get the hell out of this place, I won't be able to because then it will have been built for nothing and people will pull their guilt trips about it.
What if I don't want to stay here and work for them? I love how people just assume things without even asking me how I feel about it first. Just because it looks like I'll be here forever at the rate I'm going doesn't mean I don't want to make decisions for myself. This is why I need to get my act together and try harder to find a job. This is why I need to grow up. More importantly, I need to give up these grudges and anger and resentment. You would think that after this many years of feeling this awful and crappy and mad I would have figured it out by now. Figured out that I'm the one with the problem. Me. And that no one is going to be able to fix this for me. And that being angry and hateful about everything is my choice and no one's to blame but me. This is why I'm hating everything and everyone right now - because I hate myself the most.
Would you believe I never considered myself to be a self-centered and bitter drama queen? But the truth is that is exactly what I have become...
How did I let that happen?
